MOTHER-less Parenting Part 3: How I Finally Did It
Having that moment of truth was so eye-opening for me. I had been wrecking my brain for almost a year trying to figure out what the crap was wrong with me. Like I LI-TERALLY thought something was wrong me. I thought that I was too screwed up and that maybe I just needed to see someone. I had contemplated seeing my church counselor, a psychologist, you name it. I really thought I had a problem because I had NO DESIRE of getting pregnant and having a baby any time soon. Yep, no baby fever. Never have and I have ✌🏾kids. Mind you, we had agreed that at the 2 year mark, we’d start trying. I definitely was not holding up my end of the bargain. Resentment was starting to build up in my marriage and it was becoming harder and harder to stall the inevitable. He actually said out of his mouth once, "I feel like you're doing it on purpose." 😳... I just didn’t know how to tell him that I was not ready. Not only him, but the pressure was coming from E-VE-RY-WHERE all the time. The only pressure that I felt was from him though because I could care less what “people” think about anything I do. Heck from the day we said “I do” people were trying to get us pregnant as they do every married couple on the planet. Singles beware 🚫⚠️.
Now, I've always wanted kids and lots at that. However, after having ONE, I have rethought that "lots" part. LOL... Ok so, now that I've had my moment with God (see previous post) and know what's wrong with me and now that I feel confident, it's time to pull the trigger. Welllllllllllllllll, I still CANNOT do it. Now I'm really lost with myself. "Nicia, you know what the problem is so just go have fun with Hubbie and make a baby!" For months after having God give me answers and confidence, now what's wrong with me.😟😩😱...
Me, myself, and I had lots of explaining to do to the other I tell you that! So one day, I went back to God and I said, "I can't do this. I'm still not ready. What's wrong with me?" Then I felt this peace in my heart and my mind to be ok with not being ready. You see, even God won't force us to do anything we don't want to do. He's such a gentleman and will give you your space until you tell him what you need Him to do for you or what you want to do for Him. It's literally a two-way relationship. NO DICTATORS. I knew then exactly what that meant. It meant, for me to let it go and rest in what I knew already and that I could do it when I was ready so it took the sting out of it. Thing is, months later I was taking my sweet time, and Hubbie was growing more and more frustrated. I didn't share anything with him because I didn't think he would understand. Big mistake ladies. Share.
Well one day, again, I go to God and I'm like, "God, you know I could do this wait-thing for a while so what do you think about it? You know I like to do things in there season so I'm right on track with where you want me since I'm sooooooo behind it seems because of all the craziness in my life over the last 7 years." My next words are what changed the whole course of everything with having Baby #1 and #2. I said, "Lord, I don't want to hold on to this anymore. I do feel like I'm withholding on purpose at times from him because it's the one thing I have control over. Yes it's selfish but it's the truth. However, not for him, but for You, I want to submit my will to You in this. I trust you to allow me to conceive when the time is right. I don't know when I'll be ready but you do. You created me! P.S. Hey, but can You give me a couple more months instead though? Also, I don't want any deaths of people close to me to happen during this pregnancy of any sort. I just want to have a happy pregnancy." This time I REALLY and TRULY was free and now I could live again! Won't He Do It! So, about four months later I was pregnant, but because I have irregular periods, I was like 8 weeks when I found out. He was OVER THE MOON!!! He better had been!
Truth is, not only did I miss my mom and need her, I was also still trying to get use to this marriage thing and allllll the compromising. I still missed my singleness of doing everything when and how I wanted to with no regard to anyone else. Unfortunately, once you decide to do life with someone and make that covenant, you give that up. After God, compromise becomes the platform in your marriage so communication is EVERYTHING! I was NOT talking to Hubbie so I was making marriage even more complicated. I'm just glad that I have not only a mom but a friend in God that I can talk this stuff out and He makes sense of it because I would still be going in circles with this and other things, probably divorced and everything else by now if I didn't.
I hope this was a blessing to you. Like, Comment and Share this May Series. Women don't share things like this about their marriage but this is life. In the meantime, have a wonderful week and know that you're already absolutely AMAZING!!!
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