MOTHER-less PARENTING Part 1: The First 48 (hrs)
My Wedding Day ... very non-traditional of course. The last pic we took together.
After having loss Baby #1, I wasn’t very interested in another one for 3 reasons.
1. I didn’t want to be pregnant in the first place because I had just gotten married.
2. The thought of a pregnancy was associated with the loss of my mom for the longest.
3. I was deathly AFRAID!
Why? Might you ask... Well I got married in November 2012 and it was February 2013... I started bleeding and cramping the next day after my mom went to heaven on Feb. 7, 2013.
I was going into 8 weeks on that upcoming Monday and would have my first ultrasound. Three days before that, my body had began bleeding. It started out light and went HEAVY with cramping quick that day. We were at the funeral home making arrangements and I had to go to the restroom twice in those 3 hours to switch out so they wouldn’t think I was dying too because it was so heavy. It felt like a furious, pulsating river in me while sitting with my family in that room and trying to focus on making those arrangements. My sister and I played a major role in the whole process of everything from making a lot of decisions to helping do her hair and makeup so it made it even more tough. I just went through with everything like I wasn’t experiencing anything at all. However, my entire body was in shock and all kinds of things were happening that were unexplainable. I was in pain in several areas and bleeding profusely amongst other things. I didn’t really a lot cry that day but the shock of it sent my body into a whirlwind of problems with all kinds of ailments in the first 48 hours afterwards. I was jacked up for about 6 weeks afterwards before there was some type of normalcy in my body. It took several months afterwards for me to really get my body back to normal. My emotional and spiritual healing was a different process. Nonetheless, Jesus was with me and sustaining me through it ALL. (John 14:16-18)
I remember the week after burying her and thinking, “Wow, Lord. I haven’t prayed in weeks! But even though this was unexpected with everything that has happened, I literally can feel you holding my hand and you’ve held it since that day. You’ve never let it go. I really do feel you holding my hand through this. God, thank you so much because I’ve been depending on you without saying it out loud and you have been with me every second of everyday. It’s been tough to say the least, but you have kept me in the palm of your ‘Mighty right hand’ every step of the way and for that I say thank you.” It's crazy but I had this peace to go with that as well (Philippians 4:7). I'm pretty sure because I was willing to receive it is why I had it. I needed it with all the turmoil. Not knowing which one to mourn over from one day to the next. It was tough. BUT GOD. I still cried because I'm human and I have tear ducts for a reason, but I wasn't feeling any grief, suicidal thoughts, unstable and unable to get up and approach each day. Did I want to be in around anyone? NO, not even my husband. I just wanted to be by myself so that I could think uninterrupted and really sort through and process everything like I was used to before getting married. Crazy but that's my truth.
So four days after she passed was my 8 week ultrasound where I was supposed to see my baby for the first time and hear a heartbeat but I knew in my heart when I showed up that day and the nurse was having me answer some questions, that it wasn't going to be a good day. When I told her I had been bleeding, her face and body said something different even though she was trying to look positive as she finished up with me. For some reason, I still had some hope of something still being there because that's the optimist in me.
We entered the room for the ultrasound and my awful, no-good, cold as an ice cube, terrible OBGYN at the time, almost got his ankles handed to him by my husband by the end of that appointment. Luckily for him, God's grace kept Hubbie's hands to himself. However, Hubbie did have to stand up and address him like only a saved, classy, refined, and newly-wed Husband from the projects could do at age 29. So the ultrasound begins and we are both looking up and there's just a uterus. Then we see a round gap but of course with us not knowing what we're looking at, Doc says, "Here's your uterus and here's where the sac 'would' be. Unfortunately, there is nothing in it. The sac will eventually break down as well and pass through so you will not need a D&C. Do you have any more questions for me?" Hubbie and I look at each other in silence both thinking the same thing, "That's it. Just like that?!" That's when I tell him about the other pain and discomfort I was having and he was NON-HELPFUL to say the least and wasn't going to give me anything to help. This is when Hubbie had to address him because he was being a you-know-what! It worked because he wrote me a prescription for it and I felt relief that same day.
SIDENOTE: Ladies, take your man with you to your appointments so they can make sure things go right!... just kidding! No but really, they should be involved in every aspect of your pregnancy from beginning to delivery. So if they need to take off work or miss a lunch break to be present then so be it. Stop giving men a pass for things they are responsible for so they can relate to you more with what's happening and be more appreciative to what you've endured for 10 months PLUS babies appointments thereafter!
With that being said, that day was filled with a tsunami of emotions. I didn't know what to feel. I mean, I had lost my mom and my baby in 24 hrs. Before the bleeding had began I still could remember how I could feel the blood in my body from my heart pumping down to that baby and now I couldn't feel anything. I never since felt that during another pregnancy again. I'm kind of glad too. What's also crazy is that I didn't have any symptoms either. I was just pregnant.
This is Part 1... So stay tuned for the rest of my journey of Mother-less Parenting for the month of May. There's light at the end of the tunnel I promise.
In the meantime, have a wonderful week and know that you're already absolutely A-MAZING!
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