MOTHER-less Parenting Part 2: Pulling The Trigger

After going through the first 2 years of marriage which was NO JOKE by the way, I still wasn’t ready. Unfortunately in marriage, it’s not always up to you when it comes to decision-making. There’s a whole other person who has a voice and position too. So with that being said, Hubbie was ready. Heck! He had BEEN READY FOR YEARRRRRRSSSS even before marriage. He was the woman in the relationship when it came to this. Meaning, usually, we’re the ones who have baby fever but he was the one in this case. It was THE HARD-EST thing having to deal with because I felt guilty all the time. I mean, it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t ready. Right? I mean I did have a HARRRD first year of marriage. I mean, who gets back from their honey moon, still in the airport parking lot and gets the call to come straight to the hospital⁉️... To find out your mom had been there since you left a week ago and had threatened EVERYONE to not say a word to me when we spoke. That's my mom for you. She just wanted me to enjoy my trip in peace.

These are pics from before the pressure of having kids! HA!

Thing is, my mom and I had this thing alike. We both had kindred spirits for sure but then there were these traits that we had that were tooooo much alike so we had a reputation for bumping heads but then we could talk for HOURSSSSSS about stuff and she would understand me in a way like no other. She got my entire life❤️. We also had this thing where when she was sick each time, I was the only one who could really take care of her without her being fussy and difficult. I'm really good at anticipating a persons needs so I think that's what it was. Now I SUCK at affection and being touchy but you'll be real comfortable and fed!! LOL... I can love on kids and of course my mom pretty easy (not my dad because he's OVERBOARD AFFECTIONATE). It's adults I can't do. HA! Don't judge me. I am who I am. Also, my mom was there for me at EVERY SINGLE appointment during the first 2-3 years after my car accident and I had appointments like every 2-3 weeks the first year🙄 😫. YES every appointment and she had a whole job and clients and 10 other things but she did that for me. I WILL NEVER EVER forget that as long as I live because it still means the world to me. She was just always there and she helped me not quit school as well because I had every right to with the short term memory loss that I suffered and made LIFE as a whole extremely hard but I made it and graduated. Took 20 yrs but I did it! Lol

So when it was time for me to "pull the trigger," I just couldn't do it. I could get pregnant physically. I just couldn't get pregnant emotionally. I tried to release and go for it but I couldn't do it. I was in a tough place because my husband was trying his best to be patient and because I never talked much about my feelings with this, it looked like I was withholding "on purpose." He was DESPERATE for a baby but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Going into that 3rd year of marriage was rough because I did not know what was wrong with me still and I had been struggling for quite some time. One day, I was so tired of being miserable and pressured that I went into our guest bedroom and just yelled out "What's wrong with me God⁉️ Why can't I just be ok with getting pregnant like everyone else⁉️ I've always wanted a family and now I can't even do it⁉️ What's wrong with me⁉️...

He gently whispered to me these words, "You're too dependent on your mom. Yes she was always there for you. Yes she was the most dependable person you've ever known. Whenever she said she would do something, she got it done. You've always had that in her. You guys were always there for each other through the most rough times. Now she's not here, but I AM. I want to be that for you. I want to be your mom in that. Let me be that to you. I can mother you but you have to trust me and depend on me through every step of the way. I'm here. Lean on me instead." ...

As I write this, I hear Him saying to me, "I'm a mother to the mother-less." (John 14:18) ...

Warms my heart all over again. Now 3.5 years later and I can say, "He's so dependable and I do have a mom in Him." So when some of you guys tell me how I'm such an amazing mom, it's like hearing my mom tell me that and it means soooooo much to me.

That word from God is for someone reading this and I hope it sets you completely free to be a mom and not run from it because you don't have your mom around either to help you. It's ok not to be ok. It's ok to be afraid but in that, know that you have an amazing "Big Daddy" that wants to mother you and love on you and walk with you every step of the way even when it's HARD. When I don't know what to do, He literally gives me the wisdom in the moment on how to handle something, who to ask, or where to go. There's NEVER been a time that I've been lost and answer-less in what to do as a mom. God always equips me. Now I may not always like what I have to do but it works even if people don't agree. So open your heart (again) to the Lord and allow him to mother you and help you walk out the gift he's put in your heart to be a mom. Have your moment to get it all out by yourself like I did. Cry, scream, jump, or run. Do what you have to do to face your truth in that. If you're already a mom. Start asking God to help you and let him know that you need him and you want to trust Him to mother you so you can mother your kids appropriately while being full of joy doing it.

Stay tuned for Part 3 next week on "How I Finally Did It!" In the meantime, have a wonderful week and know that you're already absolutely AMAZING!