In 2018, I found out I was still living in pieces.
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Ok so I think I finally finished unwrapping 2018 and now I can talk about it.
For starters, there were challenges LEFT AND RIGHT the first 6 months then a break happened for like a month but then it went rough again another 2 months and then slowly started to look bright again.
Well Tell Me What Happened Girl?!
Of course, I can't go in full detail but those challenges came physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. There was even an unexpected death that occurred and shook my whole family and it was toward the first part of the year. It was a true year of breaking but not the type of breaking you think. It was a breaking to become whole and walk into my true purpose and place that God is preparing me and my family for. There were tests left and right at times. It seemed like every time God opened a door for us to do something, more challenge and opposition would come. For instance, on record, none of us get sick more than about twice a year but last year hit a record high! I spent Mother's day at the doctor with both kids just so you know how real it was... smh. It was INSANE! There were nights I had to go into my then 2 yr old's room and literally play The Word of God (i.e. healing messages) in his room just so he could stop coughing long enough to go to sleep because the coughing part of what he had only gave him a 5 second break in between so he was up until 5 or 6 a.m.! Of course I still had to get up and do my part regardless with my business, house stuff, errands, other commitments, etc and still show up for "live" workouts on Tues's and Thurs's at 7:30pm CST with you ladies. Ya'll I even injured my knee TWICE during all of this and it took months to heal fully! So yea this momma/wife/mompreneur/everything would be EX-HAUSTED! Oh and let's not forget we still had other commitments to other people as well that required a great deal of time, energy, and lots of preparation weekly which fell more so on me!😩 My husband works full time and runs our other business on the side as well along with he was in real-estate school at the same time. Oh yea and he was also coaching running backs at a high school. So you do the math. There were no weekends really. 2018 didn't slow down until Thanksgiving for us. I spent my shocking (ha!) 6-year anniversary at a high school football game in the rain and cold! No special weekend, trip, etc to remember or talk about. I didn't even post about it! Lol! Not that it matters because just to be happily married is a gift chile!!! It's easy to be miserable by yourself but it's worse when it's with someone else. I said shocking because we had an EXTREMELY hard and difficult first 2 years of marriage which is a NY Times Best Seller, a novel, and a movie!!! So to be able to say "happily" is a gift AND a miracle AND a testament to the grace of God! #WontHeDoIt4Marriage #andSome
As far as the breaking part goes, I just knew that I was tired of being stagnant and not feeling fulfilled at the end of the day when I laid my head on my pillow at night. I had a full year of what I call in short, "Getting Over Myself." That I did and some. I knew going into 2018 that it would be a year of self growth and consistency with things but no clue of how deep it would take me. I overcame a lot of things from childhood and adulthood. I cried and balled my eyes out many days during my early morning quiet time I would have with God where I would read and pray. It was through me listening to worship songs not R&B (no shade) that it began. Music wasn't really apart of my quiet time, but I was needing something different because my routine was becoming boring pretty much. Well, it worked because it was through certain songs, that my heart became softened more and more and I was able to be more vulnerable and receptive in places to God where I was a bit guarded before. I don't know if you can relate but there are certain things that we keep hidden until it starts to form a shell around our heart and holds you back in ways that you're supposed to be free and expressive. Only thing is, you're so afraid of feeling the pain of it along with disappointment again that you keep it shut off and hidden so you don't have to deal. Well I was tired of living like that. I knew I had more to offer myself, my family, my husband, people who need the real story and solution that I've already gone thru, and the lives that I could be blessing. I stopped blaming people and experiences and took ownership of where I was, the damage it had caused me, the damage I had probably caused others because of my own wounds, and I said, "enough is enough."
So What Did You Do?...
1. Ummm, first I got by myself in the peace and quiet and said,
"Lord I'm over this. I'm tired of feeling all this crap. I'm tired of holding back parts of me. I want to be able to be UNAPOLOGETICALLY ME! I want to love uninhibitedly and walk in my purpose. I'll do whatever you want me to do. You can have all my hurts, pains, secrets and mistakes! I don't want to have to protect myself all the time from others. I don't want to be on guard. I want you to fill me up and heal those broken places in me. I just want to be healthy and WHOLE! I just want to be free! Free to be the 'me' you created me to be!!!"
2. I made sure I went into that place EVERYDAY. I would wake up EARLY and before I rolled out of bed, I would take time to meet God like a date. Same time. Same place but with a more open and less wounded me each time. I have a very eclectic music taste in sound but songs like this would have me with a snot face! But I would be brand spanking NEW when it was over though!🙌🏽 Just listen all the way through first.
"Letting Go" https://youtu.be/D_7XIKVgRGY
She's my favorite!
"So Will I" https://youtu.be/QdIOaAvvOp8
THIS!
"Reckless Love" https://youtu.be/6xx0d3R2LoU
How much God really loves you!
3. The most powerful thing I did was PRAYED EVERY SINGLE DAY. I prayed for clarity, wisdom, direction, plans, ideas, patience, protection, my health, my family's health and wholeness, purpose, MONEY, AND STUFF! You name it!
4. I even wrote out a self-affirmation confession to say DAILY. Before you or anybody else says anything negative, I've already spoken over me and my day FIRST! ENCOURAGE YOURSELF LADIES! Don't wait for someone else to and SAY IT OUT LOUD! I added things that God says about us in His word so that it would trump anything else in my day. I go into my day now, knowing exactly who I am and whose I am, completely filled.
5. I listen to inspirational things as well like this >>>
"Start living like a superwoman" https://youtu.be/PLvSyshE4Ls AND "God Is Able|Pray Until Something Happens" https://youtu.be/xsGzPuTw42I over and over again. Each time I listen I get something NEW that I didn't get before.
You have to fill yourself up from a God-foundation. I found out through my morning dates over the last year that God loves me sooooooo much and that for too many years He has had to love me in pieces. The beauty is that He will love you in pieces until you're whole. So make a decision to allow Him to do that. It's ok to be broken in front of God. It's ok to let your guard down and be completely an open book with Him because He already knows the depths of your heart. He can handle your insecurities, pains, and shame. Once you decide to open your mouth and spew them out 1 by 1 even if you have to right it down and read it, He will take it and heal those broken places. There's this beautiful exchange that happens when you offer him your wounds. He gives you beauty for your ashes. Allowing Him into those places opens every door of opportunity for Him to reshape you into who you were created to be so you can walk out your purpose and be in a position to really receive EVERYTHING that is for "YOU."
Ladies let me know if you can relate to this⁉️🙌🏽
In the meantime, have a fabulous week and remember you're already AMAZING‼️
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